Life past, glances of realness

I got my pictures back from Target today. I got a bit sad as they were two rolls from L.A. that I took before I left. Immediately I was transported back to my time there, the people and experiences. For a few moments it became real again, the pictures not just happy smiles and blank stares but alive memories felt in my soul. I think during times of change, for survival, my emotions shut off. They come and go in waves, hit at weird times, and when they do they produce more freedom and ability to see current circumstances in a new way and not through as much of a filter from the last place and experience. Though some filtering is good and a part of life, I recognize some can keep me from experiencing life fully in the present well.

I was looking at a picture of echo park lake where I would run and walk in the mornings before work. It was one of my favorite times going there to pray, think, enjoy the activity in the mornings. The sun would rise above the buildings of downtown and would hit in the most beautiful ways. The pigeons would be all around, at my feet and flying in the air, scrambling out of the water to fly.

In this picture, as I took a few moments to look and remember it suddenly became real again. Life popped out of the picture, feeling stirred in my heart of the same feelings of peace, perspective,joy, and beauty that I would feel around that lake in the mornings.

I have only been here for a little over a week and it feels like I've been here for awhile some days and others it feels like I'm the newest kid on the block and am so clueless about everything. Life in Los Angeles seems so far away yet so near at the same time. Interesting how time is, how it passes, how things change, how you learn. How life lessons are learned in moments upon moments and after a lot of them you see a significant change in your life and character. I miss L.A. today a lot.

The Invisibles

Seems here..
that the homeless are invisible.
Invisible most other places,
it seems more cruel here.
In most areas I've been,
the ratio of them to others
is pretty slim to none...
making them invisible to the passerby.
The passerbys see,
its almost like a foggy world in a movie
many pass by and ignore
the sounds echo
and hollow eyes with depth stare
at humanity around them that doesn't care about someone like him
or her.
Bones shaking, yet stares ice cold on some.
Done to survive and protect in this brutally cold weather
and to deal with brutally cold people.
A penny to survive yet no one gives out of their silvers and dollars.
What makes the invisible visible?

Perspective

Another thing from the conference was perspective. This dude Judah Smith..gave an illustration on stage with a tent there. And a chair in the tent. And how often what we see from inside the tent is our perspective of what is going on in our lives, who God is to us. That we see and believe who God is by our experiences..which are marked with pain and an inaccurate view of who God is. There is something illogical about grace and about understanding and just laying before something that you don't understand but do in all the things that have happened in your life that have hurt you. Somehow it enables you to forgive and to let go and not understand, realize somethings you never will but to go on the way your thinking is would continue to damage your soul more than help it. Resentment holds onto the things that cannot be changed to only change the person holding on to it...in a bad way. I learned thsi the hard way.

He talked about Genesis 15, about Abram's perspective when God came to him...when he told him not to be afraid and cast big vision over his life. When he reminded him that he counts the stars by name..and the fact is...
we were each created for greatness, we are each unique and don't have to try to be anyone else but ourselves...don't need to fit into any trend or norm to find happiness or acceptance.
I would have to say that this first week here in Portland has been difficult...has...being the key word because I feel refreshed after this weekend,I feel a new perspective on my mind and heart and thru God's power will I keep. My perspective was small, was confused, was doubting my even coming here...even though I knew deep down I was in the exact right place.
That message and driving to the conference on the NE side of town which requires I cross this bridge over the river...to see the river and all the buildings..this opening of perspective of beauty. This picture attached doesn't do itself justice but man is it a beautiful thing.

Insecurities washed away

I just got done going to a conference the past few days at the church I started going to here. It was a Generations Unleashed conference. I would have to admit I wondered what the job I was doing there as I walked in on Thursday night to be confronted by massive amounts of teens/youth. The conference described to me at church by some was oh, its a 13-20's type of deal. True. But felt that the proportion was largely middle and high schoolers. White middle class/wealthy middle and high schoolers. I felt like I was a kid again, with all the insecurities and opinions of church coming up from my past.
I grew up in a middle class/wealthy white area, and church. The only asian in my church and mostly in my neighborhood and school I felt different most of the time, yet sometimes I don't think I recognized that I wasn't white somedays and others it was very evident to me. I wasn't accepted by people at my church growing up...for whatever reason, it happened. My mom made me wear the same outfit to church every Sunday which also made it excruciating as a kid. I felt different, lonely, unaccepted. I grew up during that time and even after having a strong hatred towards those people and the church, for their judgements, for their religiosity.
To say now, there is still some of that going on now..why must we condemn tomake ourselves feel better? And why must the church be classified as a place of judgement when God himself is not mad at us and we have nothing to prove to him because he loves us deeply and wants us to walk in security of who we are and our future.

All to say, that these past few days there was so much healing in my life, to be restored of those things that had affected my view of who I was, am. I felt walking out of there today that I was a woman with great purpose and hope, not a 13 year old kid who is different and judged by others by what I look like or who they perceive me to be.

I feel that things, people groups I will be around here in Portland will merge and for some reason it keeps coming up in my mind to work with youth...white wealthy youth for some time...I believe I'm going to learn more about people, about loving all people and seeing the beauty in each of them.....
I feel healed today!!!

The never ending camping adventure

Just would like to say..
that I got an airbed last night.
I left my bed in L.A.,
and have been sleeping on the floor in my sleeping bag since Friday and having back pain.
I woke up today feeling the best physically I have felt for a few days now, go airbed go!
I found a cheap bed frame on craiglist. But not so sure I'm a fan of the used mattress idea. uh. I'm going to wait till I have more funds or for something to pop up. Til then...airbed and all its goodness it is.

Realization

Sometimes in order to realize you have a passion for something you have to be away from it.

I went to a volunteer orientation today that was for tonight-my bad. But I went there for a purpose, to see those who come into the drop in center. I arrived early, door locked and wanted to go back to my car. I sat on the curb, feeling I needed to stay with the few others in the cold...and I needed to buck up and sit for 15 minutes in the cold as these folks spend their lives out here. I saw some others in cars, seething at them with my nasty and not humble attitude--assuming they were other volunteers that couldnt "be like the people" and sit their ass on the pavement. I walk in to be greeted by the smell of piss, hemp, and body odor. Its a very chill, granola type feeling. Homey, people dressed down to earth, workers and the homeless. I talk with the volunteer coordinator to discover the training is at 5 and not 10. Yet shes says she can speak with me for a bit. So she shares about what they do and I sense an attitude that is falsely humble, humble against bureaucracy and falsely says we know and we are truly helping "the people".

The thing is, do we really know what people need and how to help them? And in each and every way aren't all structures corrupt and broken? Some worse than others yet, I realized that I don't want my attitude to be like hers, but an attitude that sees the good and bad in things, that works with the good and encourages and changes the bad.I had a cool convo with this dude outside, I feel at home around the homeless, at peace, there is no pretension there in this atmosphere, just realness. Their perspective is cool and they have so much depth and facets to their lives.

I find here that it seems pretty divided in perspective, activism. East siders are classified at vegans, environmental, artsy activists. While west siders are pretensious corporate peeps who drive around not giving a damn about those not like them. Yet, interestingly, the generality is true on the other side, that the east siders don't give a damn about those not like them...those with wealth and those suppporting corporate America. Is there a middle ground? For with both, a larger perspective could be established and change the world together with more resources and more wit to do it with.

I continue to hear in my head today, "You must have both to understand Sarah, balance". Though I feel numb most days in this nice suburbia woodsy neighborhood, though my interactions with the homeless and street peeps are few since I came here, I know what makes me feel alive, what I love is working for, being with, and committed to that population. Yet, I know there are ways to see what I see in those with wealth..yet I'm not seeing them cause they are never outside. However, there are more ways to initiate, more ways that I can be exposed to them in a job. For some reason I feel really impressed upon to do retail here. So, we shall see what all happens....to be continued!

Coming and Going

I made it!! The last day of the drive was beautiful, no tire chains needed, very good thing.

So, I'm here in Portland, Oregon. Its a beautiful place. I have been excessively breathing in the air here as I am amazed at how fresh it is and how good it smells. It is helping me enjoy being outside though colder than L.A. and not as sunny.

I went on a walk this morning to get a cup of joe about a mile away in this village area by where we live. You could see dew drops on the tree branches as I walked by, the neighborhood was quiet and seemingly untouched. I found myself comparing worlds of Los Angeles to here, I find myself doing that often, but part of it is letting go of what was and can't be here and learning to see and accept the present and the new experiences here. Its like those life lessons you learn over and over again, saying you will remember better next time, when its truly outside of ourselves to ever make that change completely. But through each new experience it gets easier and the change happens faster, maybe because I'm more willing each time because of learning from what I would of wanted to change.

I went to church this morning, it was a church where the pastor had come to speak at my church in L.A. It was amazing, I was really praying for community and divine connections this morning and I met some really great people today that I believe will become friends and significant in my life.

Portland or bust

Stopped in Redding, California last evening, drove a whopping 3 and a half hours yesterday. However, thought it would be a wise option to stop when I did as I heard it is quite sparse after Redding and it was getting dark as well.

Today is the day. I will see and enter into Portland, Oregon, my new home for some time. I have to go to this HR office with the county to get this paper packet I need to bring with me Tuesday as I have to take a test for this Jail job I applied for. The drive from Oakland to here was gorgeous, reminded me of Wisconsin with mountains and more land. It was nice. I get to drive through Mt. Shasta this morning, should be bueno.

Alejandro, San Fran, and good times

Well, about to hit the road this Thursday morning for maybe a few hours to five hours of driving, will see how the weather goes in this moutainous terrain I am unsure of how it will be. But I got chains yesterday that I don'tknow how to use, but I have them nonetheless.

Arrived in Oakland yesterday and spent the day frolicking in San Fran by myself while friends were at work/school/internships, it was fun. Got to email, have a bowl of clam chowder and see Alejandro my friend from long ago. Every time I come here I have to go see him, he is a vendor and sells these beautiful rings and bracelets. My friends and I were talking about jobs/amount of pay, etc. Connected to Alejandro in some ways as he told me January is a slow month for him. Each time I have been back I've gotten a ring that was symbolic of something for me. I got a teal one this time. Though he forgets my name, he remembers the other details of my life and asks meif I am in Chicago or Los Angeles still. I tell him I'm off to Oregon now so it may be some time before I come back here and see him.

Got to hang out with my friends yesterday, had dinner with Laura, had joe time with Holly, Heather, Jessica. And had qt over watching the nice 80s movie Dirty Dancing last night. This morning went to a local diner, Pretty Lady on 20th and Peralta, it was good breakfast and a good feeling place.

I drove through my old neighborhood a few times in passing so far and it seems like another place to me. I went to a grocery store, Berkeley Bowl my roomates and I would go every week and it felt the same. It just seems like a place where life was, and that places are places if the relationships that filled them are no longer there. They have to be nurtured and they change if or if not nurtured. I feel that something has closed here for me in a good way, its been two years since I lived here and had so far, the most impactful andlife changing year of my life being here.
Onward is the them lately for me. Have some exciting ideas and dreams for art stuff when I get to Portland, separate from the other big dream, but i think this may connect with it..life kind of all does.
WEll, I'm off, on the road!

a blow pop, too many swedish fish, and a flat tire later

So. Its been how many days, two since I left Los Angeles. After encountering a flat tire right as I walked out of my apartment in L.A. for the last time, two hours at Sears, and getting lost one last time in L.A....I made it to Firebaugh, California. Firebaugh, yes, you heard correctly.

The fog was pretty bad in parts on Tuesday evening so at 11p.m. decided to stop about an hour and a half before my destination of Oakland to stay at the Best Western Apricot Inn. Awesome. It was quite restful actually.

Two things:
During the drive was thinking about all my experiences in L.A., all the people I met and began to cry, another wave of grief of leaving a place. Actually was thinking about grief vs. mourning and how mourning turns to dancing so that is my prayer during this time.

The fog, darkness, light, mountains. While driving in the dark I was quite freaked out that on the off chance someone would be walking across this highway, a car would pop out, and I would crash into it as I had a visibility of about two feet in front of me, was following the lines of the highway. After I stopped at the hotel I parked by this field that was real open and dark and the unknown of what was there was scary to me.
The next morning I awoke to see this beautiful spacious place, mountains in front of me that were illuminated by the sunshine. Roads were fogless and glistening with the rays of the sun that fell on them. Its amazing what I think is there in that dark and unknown place, yet its more than what I can imagine, its quite beautiful the unknown...I think this is a promise to me.

Goodbye L.A.

So, its goodbye time. About to head out of here, give or take the 4 hours I thought I would be leaving in. But, time is time and I guess I'm leaving now for some reason.

It is finally hitting me today that I am leaving Los Angeles today. Weird how moving is, I was talking with a friend today who was saying how it kind of hits you in waves. I'm feeling a wave right now. A wave of the fact my life belongings are in my car currently. I'm moving to a new state because I know that I am being led there. Ahh, it seems easier this time though than ever before..this is a good thing.

Well, shall get on the road..1st stop: Oakland, California.