rocking in rockford

Yes, it is very true. I am backat my parents for a short stint before I go off to Philly, ahh, Phi-la-del-phia, Phi-la-del-phia..singing as I write this...per philadelphia song. Ithink it may be an sp and fp song. And like you just got that sentence either.
Anyway, I am rocking in Rockford. Truly I tell ya, what a year so far it has been.I feel like my insides have gotten ripped out of me, in a good way. Who knew there was somuch junk in there? The good in this is that it brings freedom and moreclearness to really see what lifeis all about, who God is, who I am. Truly in most recent times I am realizing and learning more things about my family, about myself, and discovering where more unhealthy things in my life have come from and they are getting broken off of my life. I feel like a different person in some respects, I think its been down in there and just too afraid to emerge at different points in life.
I see God thru the eyes of my parents, or I guess I should say I have seen God as I have seen my parents which has been very harsh, judgmental, black and white, and withholding of love. I was reading Joel 2, verse 25 I believe last night that really struck a cord with me. It says to render your heart not your garments to a God who is gracious and slow to anger, abounding in love. In a whole new way, I feel that I am seeing God and his love, what Jesus did in a whole new way, a fresh way, a truthful way. What foundation that has been built for so long has been built on sand and on shaky ground, as as that painfully gets ripped out under me for my own good, I am beginning to build on something very solid. When you feel loved it really changes a lot. God's love has been so real and whole to me during this season, and I've had to realize that I've blamed him for the bad, I've harbored a lot of gross things and blamed others instead of taking responsibility, grieving, and movingon. Its time to move on. I cannot change the past I surely can change the future starting today. There are many ways this applies and this time at homeis the last kick in this wholehealing season of my life.
Lately, through all of this I have been overwhelmed by my weakness, by my strife, and feeble attempts to prove tomyself and others my worthiness which cannot be done, and Iguess it gets to points of render---break down and surrender sometimes to truly accept the strength in Jesus that he imparts to us in a very real and supernatural way. And even more than that to check my motives in vision,infuture,in pursuits, in success and ask what is this all for? I think that when I get to this point Iwill have value, will prove this..yet, I have that right in front of me today.
Tired of living apathetically, tired of the norms that keep me safe in ways that shouldn't, and wanting to really discover who Jesus is. I feellike I'm just getting started.
I had this picture playing through my mind last night of me in this nasty rags and He coming to exchanged them for beautiful purple silk royalty cloth. He does relent from sending calamity and is gracious to forgive as I truly repent for wrong choices. This has been so foreign to me. I knew in my head what I have been conditioned to know from growing up, etc...but something is connecting at a deeper level and it is setting me and will continue to set me free.