bye bye fuj's happs

well, for any of you that still read this...I'm leaving fuj's happs at blogspot. haven't been updating this really...and though it was a good try for some time, well, the happs just aren't being kept up with . sorry, and so long for now!!!

its been awhile.....

i don't recall right now what or when my last post was, but i believe i mentioned that i was going to philly for school.
i may of wrote when I got here, not sure.
But I'm here.
Life is good. Its interesting the process of life, when things come together when they do and my attitude throughout it all.
My adjustment so far to Philly has been quick, there are some cities that take time and some that don't. philly has just really fit for me, i life the feel of the city, I like the community i live in. I live with four others in a house in West Philly, an inner city part. i've been harassed a few times for being asian and a girl, but thats another story for another time. my community is full of life...both in the house and outside of it. i've never liked cats before...maybe a few kittens here or there, but we have some strays that have become our friends...green eyes and nuggett, green eyes is the mom and she had nuggett a bit back andjust had two really cute kittens which we name silverbell and snowflake. gt. good times. i find myself talking to them like they understand when I say hello in a childlike voice. its kind of ridiculous. but they are super cute.
so been going to some dance classes in the city, i'm going to a modern jazz class today. went to a few hip hop classes. theres a lot of art and dance stuff in this city and i'm going to be starting this week volunteering with broad street--this place that has meals and church and art stuff with the homeless and anyone in the community, its ahodge podge of peeps. i'm starting to help teach dance this week at a homeless shelter with youth, so that should be interesting too.
I got a job working at a cafe, did i tell you this? vast readership? I work two mornings a week at a cool cafe about ten minutes east of our house in central ish phillly near south street--kind of a interesting area--but theres a lot going on. ir eally enjoy it there and the people that come in. its been good.
Classes are awesome, learning a lot about life, community development, etc...its great to be around others who have similar passions and to discuss about things together and challenge each other. its been a stretch on my thinking and continues to be. but i'm learning a lot and really enjoying it.
hmm....what else to say---i got a marriage proposal last week. That was for real, and it was awkward and awesome.
i think i'll end with that. fall is on its way, am pumped!!! the air is fresh, leaves are changing and life is rocking!
also, church in area of where i live is heading up a community project to build a community center--fits with things I want to do...and I am seeing things coming in line with my church i found here...they are about 40 mins west of philly but seeing opportunities for art and dance there and to work with the youth there--which connects with other things in the future too....just seeing a lot of snipets coming together...some of which i went to portland for...but plans change and i think through those a metamorphis if thats how you spell it happened inside of m e--which needed to happen--which is setting the stage for things to come.
also, am chopping my hair in two weeks. Going to Boston in two weeks and VT and seeing some friends. AND getting my hair cut short----bob-ing it!! With longer layers in the front...i saw a pic of posh spice. and i'm doing it. havent' had short hair since i was 8.

Fuj in Philly

Arrived in Philly last last Sunday, so its been a week and a half. wow. Been good so far, real full...got a job at a neat cafe about 5 miles from here in a mixed neighborhood---picture doctors meet hipsters with a splash of old folks...who knew?! working there two mornings a week. school started last week, really enjoying it. today i had urban politics, its going to be a good class.
diffrent to be back in school again, asking the question about my purpose here and how does all these different things gel together? waiting for an answer on that one. but will definitely get one for sure. I'll let you know and keep you updated for sure.
I feel at peace here in philly, it is good.....its the right place for me. this year is going to be a restorative year and a very peaceful year. a year of preparation. its a daily surrender right now. a lot of unknown variables...which is always the case----yet they seem to be magnified right now...yet...interestingly---am ok with it...surrender seems to be growing at the same time. theres a lot of freedom in that. for sure.

9 days and living....

I leave in 9 days to begin the trek to Philly, going a few stops along the way first but will begin with launching from Rockford here next Thursday. Pretty pumped, excited for this new year, new season really. I feel it will be a restorative one, one of joy and celebration. I really believe this.
So, much can happen in a week, even in one moment or day. I'm telling you, this summer so much has happened and its been so great, fulfilling, challenging, and full of life for me. I'm really finding it and embracing it.
Wouldlike to post pics this year, this is an idea I just had right now...I think that will be good, photos are always fun so yes, pics from philly and its goodness coming soon.
I was reminded lately that little things and acts can make a profound difference. Don't ignore promptings to do so. It can change lives, i can attest to being on the receiving end of it. even simply as being offered an oreo. thats what happened to mein L.A., just had that memory!

rocking in rockford

Yes, it is very true. I am backat my parents for a short stint before I go off to Philly, ahh, Phi-la-del-phia, Phi-la-del-phia..singing as I write this...per philadelphia song. Ithink it may be an sp and fp song. And like you just got that sentence either.
Anyway, I am rocking in Rockford. Truly I tell ya, what a year so far it has been.I feel like my insides have gotten ripped out of me, in a good way. Who knew there was somuch junk in there? The good in this is that it brings freedom and moreclearness to really see what lifeis all about, who God is, who I am. Truly in most recent times I am realizing and learning more things about my family, about myself, and discovering where more unhealthy things in my life have come from and they are getting broken off of my life. I feel like a different person in some respects, I think its been down in there and just too afraid to emerge at different points in life.
I see God thru the eyes of my parents, or I guess I should say I have seen God as I have seen my parents which has been very harsh, judgmental, black and white, and withholding of love. I was reading Joel 2, verse 25 I believe last night that really struck a cord with me. It says to render your heart not your garments to a God who is gracious and slow to anger, abounding in love. In a whole new way, I feel that I am seeing God and his love, what Jesus did in a whole new way, a fresh way, a truthful way. What foundation that has been built for so long has been built on sand and on shaky ground, as as that painfully gets ripped out under me for my own good, I am beginning to build on something very solid. When you feel loved it really changes a lot. God's love has been so real and whole to me during this season, and I've had to realize that I've blamed him for the bad, I've harbored a lot of gross things and blamed others instead of taking responsibility, grieving, and movingon. Its time to move on. I cannot change the past I surely can change the future starting today. There are many ways this applies and this time at homeis the last kick in this wholehealing season of my life.
Lately, through all of this I have been overwhelmed by my weakness, by my strife, and feeble attempts to prove tomyself and others my worthiness which cannot be done, and Iguess it gets to points of render---break down and surrender sometimes to truly accept the strength in Jesus that he imparts to us in a very real and supernatural way. And even more than that to check my motives in vision,infuture,in pursuits, in success and ask what is this all for? I think that when I get to this point Iwill have value, will prove this..yet, I have that right in front of me today.
Tired of living apathetically, tired of the norms that keep me safe in ways that shouldn't, and wanting to really discover who Jesus is. I feellike I'm just getting started.
I had this picture playing through my mind last night of me in this nasty rags and He coming to exchanged them for beautiful purple silk royalty cloth. He does relent from sending calamity and is gracious to forgive as I truly repent for wrong choices. This has been so foreign to me. I knew in my head what I have been conditioned to know from growing up, etc...but something is connecting at a deeper level and it is setting me and will continue to set me free.

its been awhile....

So, its obviously been awhile since I last wrote. Lot has changed in life, per usual, but that is more than ok. It is grand. I left Portland about a month ago I think something like that. Was planning on trekking back to IL and making stops through California along the way....and I got to go to San Fran and Oakland and see people and went to L.A. to see old friends...in a combo of things decided I needed to be in LA for a bit of a time...so it worked for me to move back in with old roomies and be there for thismonth. Will be trekking after that at the beg. of July sometime.....Portland was needed and good and challenging...and will be most likely going back to grad school this fall in Philly. It seems that when God confirms life direction for me he uses license plates....and I see the state I'm going to like everywhere...and its not a likely thing the places I have moved to. So, I keep seeing Pennsylvania plates everywhere in California and being here in Ohio the past few days---and not that that was the initial decider to move there...much more than that! But it is kind of another little connector dot with the rest of them.
I'm in Cleveland right now, flew here a few days ago and am leaving tomorrow. We have had a reunion of the sorts...with my old teammates from Mission year that I lived and worked with for the year in Oakland. They were my fam and they still are really. We haven't all been together since the end of our year which was two years ago. It is so crazy to see them...its the same yet of course different. Its been really great to see them...and bring up nostalgia and life growth of course. Seems like summer sometimes does that to me more than other seasons really.
Well, to ohio and processed food.

life

I enter into new unknowns as I finish another segment here.
i have more respect for fast food workers,
how hard their job is.
How minimum wage doesn't do jack squat.
And how people struggle with familiesjust to make it by.
We consume so much, treat people so awful.
We look down on others who do certain things,
and before I didn't see it,
now it is so clear.
We all want significance,
work ties into that...
but even more so
purpose and destiny and calling and identity are at the root
Younger people, younger generation
so starved for attention
so much wanting to make a statement and be different.
Be known
heard
seen
utilized
And someone
Anxious leadership
trickles down
Operating as units disjointed
no point
Frustrations with each other
domineering with fear and annoyance
sputtering down to other workers
who when they have the chance project the same attitude onto others
to lead well you must serve
you must understand
you must be at the same level yet brighter in knowledge, wisdom,and passion.
What is this world we live in?
The earth groans, we see the results everywhere
Yet heaven groans and its glory is shown.
I want to be known, to be understood, to be loved.
I want to be found,
yet I am.
I want to find this thing inside of me, I want to discover it.
I want to be reborn and renewed.
From the inside out.
I believe it is already happening.

nuts and berries

So, I ate my first piece of chicken in four months and it was good and also slightly nauseating in a weird way. The nuts and berries --kind of were obviously not cutting it so I have now decided to incorporate some chicken and other to be decided meat into my diet again. I did this fasting thing back in December and I had a lot of energy after it so I decided to go vegetarian, with the exception of occasional fish---so I guess thats not really vegetarian then. But anyway, I was eating a lotof soy meat substitutes which aren't bad, but I think I've had my fill of tofu and soy substitutes for abit. I'm going to take a break for a few weeks.

I decided I was vitamin D deficient as I have been in pain in my body for some time now, thought it was just the combination of physical labor and getting older, and though that may play a factor, the lack of sunshine-vitamin D and nuts and berries I was eating is a pretty big factor. So, I've been taking a vitamin D supplement the past few days and my body is feeling better already. Its amazing!

I saw a huge booty tarantula--I think---or some other huge, i mean HUGE spider ish type thing on the steps going to the laundry room. I called my landlord/manager on site and he said he would "take care of it" and it was still there as I hugged the wall passing by it. I thought it was a joke for a minute when I looked at it because it was so enormous and it looked kind of fake ish too. I wanted to punt it to China but I had to hold back my screaming, sick.
Another day, another dollar.

sunshine day, part dos

So, another freaking amazing day today, mid 60s-70 and sunny for most of the day. Iwent to the park andlayed in the sun for an hour, it was the best time of my life. I closed my eyes while laying in the grass and pretended I was in Santa Monica beach where I would go at least once a week in California, and the cars driving by on the street kind of did sound like the ocean waves, til I opened my eyes to see trees and dandelions. Well, I'll take the park, but I miss the ocean being real nearby.
Amazing how everyone is happier, out, in shorts and sandals when the sun shines here. Its like such a rare gift that people really freak out. Including myself. I busted out the sandals, wore a tshirt, it was awesome. Funny how relative weather is, for example, in L.A. I remember wearing scarves when it hit mid 60s in the heat of winter. A winter jacket in the morning when walking around the lake when it was brr...55. Now, during the high of 55 here, I find myself in the rain with a scarf and sweatshirt. Weird, oh weird. I plan to sleep with my window open tonight, love that. Its going to be awesome.
People in Oregon are so nice. They are even nicer when the weather is sunny. I heard a honk today for the first time in well, two months? I was looking at a pen I found in my car and got distracted at a light, and duly so----after probably a long 15-30 seconds ish they honked, once to let me know I needed to go. That never happens. People would probably seriously wait a few minutes if you didn't go. And be totally fine with it. Theother day I was parking-for free, ahem-in the ramp at the gym and this lady like beckoned me to take her spot, people backed up for me to get it, waited, I mean the whole deal. yes, Portland has nice people, who mosey. Mosey, mosey.
I remember when I first came here I walked like I was on crack. Everyone in L.A. walks fast---especially compared to here, so I was like buzzing through target like an out of control mofo and yes, now I have adapted and I mosey, and wear sweatshirts in the rain and 55 degree weather. Oh, life.

pdx in the house

No, not dmx, pdx. I guess thats the abbreviation for Portland, or Ptown if you will or city of roses. Whatev. So, the rain ceased today to be a balmy 60 degrees and sunny. Man, I feel great today! Tomorrow it is going to be the same ish, a little bit warmer. Heck yeah, park time!
Well, life. The zoo is well. Actually yes. I'm having fun there and learning to enjoy life in the midst of circumstances, you know, once you can find life and joy in certain circumstances well, yeah thats a good thing.
I did fryers yesterday and I got to drain them and filter them at the end of the day too. The thought crossed my mind to never eat anything fried again, and then I ate some free tator tots that were once immersed in the frying sensation. ick. kind of.
I had today off and I had an interview with an additions center. I interviewed for a chemical dependency counselor position. I passed round one! I will have a second interview sometime within the next week and a half with the specific department directors as today I met with the overall director who overseas a few programs. It would require me to go back to school to get my Chemical Alcohol Drug Counseling license, which is a few terms at a community college, as well as hours in practice. But, the thought has come up to go back to school here and there out of nowhere, and the content interests me and it would be beneficial for future endeavors.
So, we'll see what happens!
Adios!

sunshine day

What a great weekend! Spring has hit this weekend, both in my life and in the weather. It was 80 degrees yesterday, busted out the sandals that had been away since L.A. and layed in the park yesterday afternoon. It is supposed to go back to rain and colder weather this week, but very thankful for this great weekend. It smelled like summer last night. It was pretty warm in our apartment after yesterday and I slept with my window open. I love that, sleeping while the breeze comes in.
Feel that new things are ahead in my life, been through a more winter season in my life and naturally here in Portland, something changed this weekend while I was at a retreat this weekend, it was very significant and awesome!!!

springtime in portland

It actually felt like spring today!! It was warmer, a balmy 64 at one point and sunny. It was amazing. I had to work most of the day but found myself in a short sleeve work shirt and wasn't cold. It reminded me of L.A., just the nice weather..though it was a little colder than the norm in L.A. The warmness of the air gave me fond memories of fun neighborhood times out in the warm air kind of a thing. I talked to some of my neighbors this evening and they were all hanging outside enjoying the weather in L,A. I miss them.
I smell like elephant ears. I was working in the elephant ears stand at the zoo and I seriously reek like them. I went to hip hop class tonight at the gym and I could smell myself and I had to do this partner thing with the girl next tome and I am sure she smelled me and all my elephant ear goodness.
Yeah spring!

ahhh oregon

Thats what I just have to say these days....
I think often of the question, when will I love this place? Will I love this place? And hard to believe now, but I know that I will someday. In L.A. I felt the same in the beginning, initially thought the sun, palm trees, and ocean could carry me through adjusting to a new place, and though they created some solace for me, well, they didn't carry me through and I merely adapted to them. I'm not sure in what ways my solace is found here, I think I'm in the process of seeing that right now.

My nose is not cold currently, what a freaking miracle. My roomates and I decided to turn off the heat after our lame bill from the electric or gas company whichever it is....and pretty much the past two weeks it has been unseasonably cold as they say and my nose was constantly cold as well as the rest of me. We broke down as it has been really cold the past few days and turned them back on...we were tired of seeing our breath inside, not really, but we were tired of being cold. So, I sit in my bed actually pleasantly warm, and to think before I thought this was cold and now it is warm, got to love relativity..if that is a word.

So, been seeing glimpses lately of hope, knowing that all things come together beautifully just in time. Feel lately I'm learning what it means to act in wisdom versus my emotions and how to plan in wisdom now for the future vs. fulfillment now and pay back future if that makes sense. This mostly concerns my finances and budgeting and spending skills. Good stuff I'm learning.
Well, the cherry blossom trees are blooming, I think thats what they are called, they are quite beautiful. The daffodils and flowers are in mostly full effect, I heard spring begins to start in April so I'm believing for more sunshine. Bring it on..please!!!

wondering where I fit

You ever wonder where you fit in life? I find myself thinking about that today, kind of tired with the Portland thing to be honest. The past two months of being here has been a difficult time, yet full of learning and joy in the midst of different struggles and instable circumstances.
I find myself wondering why I have this thing in me, maybe its called control of needing to know the future, know the now and that very thing fights with living freely. uh.
I got a job working at the zoo and I had my first official day this weekend. it kind of sucked to be again honest---think manual labor meets high schoolers...but this whole process has taught me some very valuable things about jobs, status, life, what advantages and disadvantages people carry and have, the fairness and unfairness of what happens in the world...you know, the usual. It all connects somehow and Iknow I will look back on these experiences and say "ah I get it" later on in life.
But for now, its in the up and down of thankfulness to looking at exact details of my life and getting annoyed. I think through all of this I figured out what I really wanted to do and jobs I want to look for and that is with the homeless/poor/socially disadvantaged whatever you would like to classify it as. I thought other avenues would be of benefit, but they truly aren't my giftings nor my passions and while it could teach me some valuable things, well I don't feel like deadening my soul in the process.
Well, thats life here. Thought about moving back to L.A. today in a default mode, I know I will be back there someday in some capacity but I'm not sure if it would be as soon as tomorrow, thought sometimes I would like it to be that way.

photos from da beach

cannon beach and life happenings

Went to Cannon Beach for a day trip this past week. It was beautiful. Having not seen the ocean for almost two months it was glorious. I would usually make it to the beach once a week on the weekends for a nap, run, walk, or journal or book time. I loved the ocean in L.A. Such a calm place, such a beautiful place. I find that it makes you feel small in a good way, that there is so much more out there, something bigger and just how the waves and everything just works as you watch it is baffling.

I just walked this time up and down the beach for a few hours actually. It was again, glorious. The sun was out, it was a bit cooler than L.A. but it was great. I will attach some photos.

A life update here, well doing office temp work right now. Have my last phase of interviewing this Tuesday with the county for a possible job in the jail system. I'm continuing to apply for other jobs, just seeing what happens with allof this. I've come in the past week or so to have a lot of peace with this. What was frustrating is now good. I feel that I was needing to know what life would belike now, but I realize sometimes things just don't work that way. And you have to enjoy the process of the unknown sometimes.

I am seeing glimpses in the past week of a few things concerning my dreams for this place with the homeless. I am seeing possibilities of a team of people forming currently for this. And I am seeing and learning how to change things in my life specifically with my finances to set up a firm foundation that will develop of of these principles. its pretty rad. i'mpumped. i believe this year is going to be a big one, full of miracles! I expect them!
my photos won't work, something is wrong with the server so i'll try to add them later.

art time, fun time

I just painted this tonight, felt like sharing.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today was a good day. I was thinking the past few days about last year again,where I was, what was going on, how life in L.A. was and how I miss it...though not those tims really but I guess the feeling at the end of it all when I left that place.

Upon thinking about last year and working at the homeless shelter on Valentine's Day, it was fun. I felt really appreciated and affirmed that day. I had only been working there for two weeks or so at that point, yet different guys got me socks or chocolate that day. And it wasn't in a creepy way, just a way to say your a woman and I give this to you. I guess the thing is that everyone wants to give to someone, wants to feel wanted, even if that is in the way that they give to say they have someone to give to so therefore they are somewhat wanted.

Today was a very good day. One of my roomates and friends cooked my other friend and roomate breakfast. I went and got a manicure and got a latte while having good drawing and journaling time. It felt good to draw again at the coffee shop today. I had my interview at Nordstroms today. There definitely was a few times today while sitting in the room with 20 other people thinking why am I here that came to mind.
I feel more drawn to retail in my heart lately, I know its what I need to do and I do enjoy the thought of parts of it. The other parts is what I'm having a harder time with lately i.e. feeling it in my heart or whatever.
Its like you have to step away from something you love to learn more about it and to ultimately get you back to that place. I believe this retail thing will do that for me. And be less and less excruciating.
I saw a lot of orange faces today, heard a lot of high pitched "professional" voices and surfacey lame talk. I interviewed with two different managers. What is beauty anyway? I think I'm always thinking about that but even more so today. And what does it mean "to sell" something anyway. In one question I had to "sell my outfit" and i wanted to vomit in my mouth. I'm not a big labels person and usually dressing up on professional garb makes me want to vomit and I don't feel myself in it. though, I find there are ways to do that..its a growing merge for me.
I guess I'll find out what happens.
To expand, the first interview was cool, she was a younger girl and we had a nice conversation. The other one, I got interviewed by two older ladies who weren't secure in themselves and bitter. That was my impression. And you know the saying about old bitter women...well, theres no saying but usually they don't like younger youthful women. And I got that from them, you know you can just tell if someone doesn't want you to get the job at the beginning of the interview really.
And to cap the night off, I went with some friends to see Step it up 2, 2 the streets. Good times. It was a good movie, a packed house. I love dance movies. They make you want to quit your day job and just dance on the streets. At least for me. I met so many cool people today, I made a bunch of cookies and wrapped them with ribbon and gave them away randomly. I wanted to give them to homeless folks but I ended up running into more non homeless folks than homeless and gave them the cookies. It was fun, people were really appreciative and enjoyed it. Its fun seeing that. And the cookies were damn good too I would have to say. Just don't eat them for breakfast like I did this morning...before my roomate's breakfast---had a massive and uncomfortable sugar crash this a.m. Since the cookies with frosting are pure sugar and butter. Again, another good times.
So, that was my day. A good one to know you are loved in so many ways and able to give and share that with others.

Rain Rain Go Away

Hola!
Well, its been an interesting week in the rainforest. The sun came out twice this week, to which I had a freaking good time with. Went running for the first stint of sunshine that lasted an hour. The second stint was yesterday and it was all day mostly! People were smiling, there was no rain, it was mid 50s, people were having lunch outside, windows down, no other garb but sweatshirts and jeans. It was amazing!

I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, or something. This whole lack of sunshine has been making me feel extremely exhausted. I ordered a sun box, that light that you sit by for 30 minutes that pretends it sun without tanning you. In the meantime while that is shipping I broke down and went tanning the day before the sun came out after two weeks of rain. I have one more tan session I will use this week before my light comes.

One of my roomates also feels similar and she went tanning as well the same day I did. OUr other friend and roomate both thought we were on crack because we had so much energy that day...and it continues! I've been feeling pretty good after those ten minutes of fake and nasty uv rays in that tanning bed.

Interestingly I used to tan in those when I was in college, maybe thats why I have never felt this tired before. I never liked winter but I survived it in school because of my tanning I think.
I'm not a big fan of the tan beds, I don't think they are good for you and I don't want to be tan when its 40 degrees outside.

On another note went to this cool cafe, Sisters of the Road Cafe downtown. Its a buck and a quarter for a meal and there is a lot of homeless peeps that go. Its a cool place, I liked it. I felt like I was in a world that was so comfortable to me yet didn't fit. You ever have that happen to you?
Also, I'm going to Guatemala for a month this November to work with street kids and orphans and do building projects..just decided. Am pumped!

Jobless in the tundra

Is it a tundra? Flashbacks to school when we would talk about the different whatever they were. Actually, I'm in a freaking rainforest I believe, cold jungle perhaps.

This rain is relentless, I saw the sun a few times last week, but since then we've been on a straight shot of rain and more rain. Its becoming normal to me at this point, but still would like some happy rays of life and a warm beach, ahh fond memories of L.A. All the moisture is good for the skin and hair, so thats a plus anyhow.

Interestingly, I have been reflecting per usual and thinking about a year ago when I first came to L.A., I did a lot of journaling per typing on my computer so I have been re-reading my journal during that timeframe. Funny how you remember the end of something, someplace and I am noticing similar feelings in my journal entries a year ago as I am now. Places take time to adjust to and its during those times that your character gets painfully strengthened, it is kind of a good feeling at the same time. I'm sure I will re-read my journal entries a year from now and see all that has progressed and changed over that time.

It is ok and natural, normal to miss places, to let go of places through that process. I know Portland will become home to me at some point, I love that feeling--feeling settled where life thrives. Yet I continue to learn life thrives in other places and seasons too. Its just different. In some ways I do prefer the settling one/thriving one over the other. Allnecessary though.

Well, still on the job hunt. I'm focusing my efforts toward retail, yup retail. Took me a bit to accept this, but I feel certain about this and am quite excited about it. Feel is will be beneficial and necessary for my growth and connect with my future endeavors. Heard lately that sometimes dreams have to die in order to produce something more than what it first was. I think I'm in that, well, I know I'm in that period right now. To die in some ways doesn't necessarily mean to never have again, different kind of death I speak of...this one lives again in a more healthy, out of our capacity kind of way to produce more and be more than what is logical or what I can conjure up.

I miss the inner city. Have I said this? I miss a lot. But, I want to work and do with all my heart what I know I need to do now, which will give me a bigger perspective ofnew things I have not been immersed in.

Good news, have an interview next week with Nordstroms downtown (boosey area) of Portland. Feeling certain at this time that is where I want to work and will get the job. If it isn't then something better is up, however, feel I need to enjoy my time right now, wait for this interview, and serve and bring life to others in ways I can right now as I wait. Thats the direction I'm getting. Was going to apply at a temp job but just feel that isn't a "wise" choice right now, whatever that means. But yeah, waiting, just waiting...not sitting and doing nothing waiting, kind of, but waiting nonetheless.
Think I may traverse to Seattle perhaps for a day jaunt. Go to the ocean two hours away on another. Go to the DMV...thats fun. But necessary. Enjoy this time. I went to a hip hop class last week, like this dance studio I went to. They have a street jazz session tomorrow, gonna try it. Jay-Z here I come.

Life past, glances of realness

I got my pictures back from Target today. I got a bit sad as they were two rolls from L.A. that I took before I left. Immediately I was transported back to my time there, the people and experiences. For a few moments it became real again, the pictures not just happy smiles and blank stares but alive memories felt in my soul. I think during times of change, for survival, my emotions shut off. They come and go in waves, hit at weird times, and when they do they produce more freedom and ability to see current circumstances in a new way and not through as much of a filter from the last place and experience. Though some filtering is good and a part of life, I recognize some can keep me from experiencing life fully in the present well.

I was looking at a picture of echo park lake where I would run and walk in the mornings before work. It was one of my favorite times going there to pray, think, enjoy the activity in the mornings. The sun would rise above the buildings of downtown and would hit in the most beautiful ways. The pigeons would be all around, at my feet and flying in the air, scrambling out of the water to fly.

In this picture, as I took a few moments to look and remember it suddenly became real again. Life popped out of the picture, feeling stirred in my heart of the same feelings of peace, perspective,joy, and beauty that I would feel around that lake in the mornings.

I have only been here for a little over a week and it feels like I've been here for awhile some days and others it feels like I'm the newest kid on the block and am so clueless about everything. Life in Los Angeles seems so far away yet so near at the same time. Interesting how time is, how it passes, how things change, how you learn. How life lessons are learned in moments upon moments and after a lot of them you see a significant change in your life and character. I miss L.A. today a lot.

The Invisibles

Seems here..
that the homeless are invisible.
Invisible most other places,
it seems more cruel here.
In most areas I've been,
the ratio of them to others
is pretty slim to none...
making them invisible to the passerby.
The passerbys see,
its almost like a foggy world in a movie
many pass by and ignore
the sounds echo
and hollow eyes with depth stare
at humanity around them that doesn't care about someone like him
or her.
Bones shaking, yet stares ice cold on some.
Done to survive and protect in this brutally cold weather
and to deal with brutally cold people.
A penny to survive yet no one gives out of their silvers and dollars.
What makes the invisible visible?

Perspective

Another thing from the conference was perspective. This dude Judah Smith..gave an illustration on stage with a tent there. And a chair in the tent. And how often what we see from inside the tent is our perspective of what is going on in our lives, who God is to us. That we see and believe who God is by our experiences..which are marked with pain and an inaccurate view of who God is. There is something illogical about grace and about understanding and just laying before something that you don't understand but do in all the things that have happened in your life that have hurt you. Somehow it enables you to forgive and to let go and not understand, realize somethings you never will but to go on the way your thinking is would continue to damage your soul more than help it. Resentment holds onto the things that cannot be changed to only change the person holding on to it...in a bad way. I learned thsi the hard way.

He talked about Genesis 15, about Abram's perspective when God came to him...when he told him not to be afraid and cast big vision over his life. When he reminded him that he counts the stars by name..and the fact is...
we were each created for greatness, we are each unique and don't have to try to be anyone else but ourselves...don't need to fit into any trend or norm to find happiness or acceptance.
I would have to say that this first week here in Portland has been difficult...has...being the key word because I feel refreshed after this weekend,I feel a new perspective on my mind and heart and thru God's power will I keep. My perspective was small, was confused, was doubting my even coming here...even though I knew deep down I was in the exact right place.
That message and driving to the conference on the NE side of town which requires I cross this bridge over the river...to see the river and all the buildings..this opening of perspective of beauty. This picture attached doesn't do itself justice but man is it a beautiful thing.

Insecurities washed away

I just got done going to a conference the past few days at the church I started going to here. It was a Generations Unleashed conference. I would have to admit I wondered what the job I was doing there as I walked in on Thursday night to be confronted by massive amounts of teens/youth. The conference described to me at church by some was oh, its a 13-20's type of deal. True. But felt that the proportion was largely middle and high schoolers. White middle class/wealthy middle and high schoolers. I felt like I was a kid again, with all the insecurities and opinions of church coming up from my past.
I grew up in a middle class/wealthy white area, and church. The only asian in my church and mostly in my neighborhood and school I felt different most of the time, yet sometimes I don't think I recognized that I wasn't white somedays and others it was very evident to me. I wasn't accepted by people at my church growing up...for whatever reason, it happened. My mom made me wear the same outfit to church every Sunday which also made it excruciating as a kid. I felt different, lonely, unaccepted. I grew up during that time and even after having a strong hatred towards those people and the church, for their judgements, for their religiosity.
To say now, there is still some of that going on now..why must we condemn tomake ourselves feel better? And why must the church be classified as a place of judgement when God himself is not mad at us and we have nothing to prove to him because he loves us deeply and wants us to walk in security of who we are and our future.

All to say, that these past few days there was so much healing in my life, to be restored of those things that had affected my view of who I was, am. I felt walking out of there today that I was a woman with great purpose and hope, not a 13 year old kid who is different and judged by others by what I look like or who they perceive me to be.

I feel that things, people groups I will be around here in Portland will merge and for some reason it keeps coming up in my mind to work with youth...white wealthy youth for some time...I believe I'm going to learn more about people, about loving all people and seeing the beauty in each of them.....
I feel healed today!!!

The never ending camping adventure

Just would like to say..
that I got an airbed last night.
I left my bed in L.A.,
and have been sleeping on the floor in my sleeping bag since Friday and having back pain.
I woke up today feeling the best physically I have felt for a few days now, go airbed go!
I found a cheap bed frame on craiglist. But not so sure I'm a fan of the used mattress idea. uh. I'm going to wait till I have more funds or for something to pop up. Til then...airbed and all its goodness it is.

Realization

Sometimes in order to realize you have a passion for something you have to be away from it.

I went to a volunteer orientation today that was for tonight-my bad. But I went there for a purpose, to see those who come into the drop in center. I arrived early, door locked and wanted to go back to my car. I sat on the curb, feeling I needed to stay with the few others in the cold...and I needed to buck up and sit for 15 minutes in the cold as these folks spend their lives out here. I saw some others in cars, seething at them with my nasty and not humble attitude--assuming they were other volunteers that couldnt "be like the people" and sit their ass on the pavement. I walk in to be greeted by the smell of piss, hemp, and body odor. Its a very chill, granola type feeling. Homey, people dressed down to earth, workers and the homeless. I talk with the volunteer coordinator to discover the training is at 5 and not 10. Yet shes says she can speak with me for a bit. So she shares about what they do and I sense an attitude that is falsely humble, humble against bureaucracy and falsely says we know and we are truly helping "the people".

The thing is, do we really know what people need and how to help them? And in each and every way aren't all structures corrupt and broken? Some worse than others yet, I realized that I don't want my attitude to be like hers, but an attitude that sees the good and bad in things, that works with the good and encourages and changes the bad.I had a cool convo with this dude outside, I feel at home around the homeless, at peace, there is no pretension there in this atmosphere, just realness. Their perspective is cool and they have so much depth and facets to their lives.

I find here that it seems pretty divided in perspective, activism. East siders are classified at vegans, environmental, artsy activists. While west siders are pretensious corporate peeps who drive around not giving a damn about those not like them. Yet, interestingly, the generality is true on the other side, that the east siders don't give a damn about those not like them...those with wealth and those suppporting corporate America. Is there a middle ground? For with both, a larger perspective could be established and change the world together with more resources and more wit to do it with.

I continue to hear in my head today, "You must have both to understand Sarah, balance". Though I feel numb most days in this nice suburbia woodsy neighborhood, though my interactions with the homeless and street peeps are few since I came here, I know what makes me feel alive, what I love is working for, being with, and committed to that population. Yet, I know there are ways to see what I see in those with wealth..yet I'm not seeing them cause they are never outside. However, there are more ways to initiate, more ways that I can be exposed to them in a job. For some reason I feel really impressed upon to do retail here. So, we shall see what all happens....to be continued!

Coming and Going

I made it!! The last day of the drive was beautiful, no tire chains needed, very good thing.

So, I'm here in Portland, Oregon. Its a beautiful place. I have been excessively breathing in the air here as I am amazed at how fresh it is and how good it smells. It is helping me enjoy being outside though colder than L.A. and not as sunny.

I went on a walk this morning to get a cup of joe about a mile away in this village area by where we live. You could see dew drops on the tree branches as I walked by, the neighborhood was quiet and seemingly untouched. I found myself comparing worlds of Los Angeles to here, I find myself doing that often, but part of it is letting go of what was and can't be here and learning to see and accept the present and the new experiences here. Its like those life lessons you learn over and over again, saying you will remember better next time, when its truly outside of ourselves to ever make that change completely. But through each new experience it gets easier and the change happens faster, maybe because I'm more willing each time because of learning from what I would of wanted to change.

I went to church this morning, it was a church where the pastor had come to speak at my church in L.A. It was amazing, I was really praying for community and divine connections this morning and I met some really great people today that I believe will become friends and significant in my life.

Portland or bust

Stopped in Redding, California last evening, drove a whopping 3 and a half hours yesterday. However, thought it would be a wise option to stop when I did as I heard it is quite sparse after Redding and it was getting dark as well.

Today is the day. I will see and enter into Portland, Oregon, my new home for some time. I have to go to this HR office with the county to get this paper packet I need to bring with me Tuesday as I have to take a test for this Jail job I applied for. The drive from Oakland to here was gorgeous, reminded me of Wisconsin with mountains and more land. It was nice. I get to drive through Mt. Shasta this morning, should be bueno.

Alejandro, San Fran, and good times

Well, about to hit the road this Thursday morning for maybe a few hours to five hours of driving, will see how the weather goes in this moutainous terrain I am unsure of how it will be. But I got chains yesterday that I don'tknow how to use, but I have them nonetheless.

Arrived in Oakland yesterday and spent the day frolicking in San Fran by myself while friends were at work/school/internships, it was fun. Got to email, have a bowl of clam chowder and see Alejandro my friend from long ago. Every time I come here I have to go see him, he is a vendor and sells these beautiful rings and bracelets. My friends and I were talking about jobs/amount of pay, etc. Connected to Alejandro in some ways as he told me January is a slow month for him. Each time I have been back I've gotten a ring that was symbolic of something for me. I got a teal one this time. Though he forgets my name, he remembers the other details of my life and asks meif I am in Chicago or Los Angeles still. I tell him I'm off to Oregon now so it may be some time before I come back here and see him.

Got to hang out with my friends yesterday, had dinner with Laura, had joe time with Holly, Heather, Jessica. And had qt over watching the nice 80s movie Dirty Dancing last night. This morning went to a local diner, Pretty Lady on 20th and Peralta, it was good breakfast and a good feeling place.

I drove through my old neighborhood a few times in passing so far and it seems like another place to me. I went to a grocery store, Berkeley Bowl my roomates and I would go every week and it felt the same. It just seems like a place where life was, and that places are places if the relationships that filled them are no longer there. They have to be nurtured and they change if or if not nurtured. I feel that something has closed here for me in a good way, its been two years since I lived here and had so far, the most impactful andlife changing year of my life being here.
Onward is the them lately for me. Have some exciting ideas and dreams for art stuff when I get to Portland, separate from the other big dream, but i think this may connect with it..life kind of all does.
WEll, I'm off, on the road!

a blow pop, too many swedish fish, and a flat tire later

So. Its been how many days, two since I left Los Angeles. After encountering a flat tire right as I walked out of my apartment in L.A. for the last time, two hours at Sears, and getting lost one last time in L.A....I made it to Firebaugh, California. Firebaugh, yes, you heard correctly.

The fog was pretty bad in parts on Tuesday evening so at 11p.m. decided to stop about an hour and a half before my destination of Oakland to stay at the Best Western Apricot Inn. Awesome. It was quite restful actually.

Two things:
During the drive was thinking about all my experiences in L.A., all the people I met and began to cry, another wave of grief of leaving a place. Actually was thinking about grief vs. mourning and how mourning turns to dancing so that is my prayer during this time.

The fog, darkness, light, mountains. While driving in the dark I was quite freaked out that on the off chance someone would be walking across this highway, a car would pop out, and I would crash into it as I had a visibility of about two feet in front of me, was following the lines of the highway. After I stopped at the hotel I parked by this field that was real open and dark and the unknown of what was there was scary to me.
The next morning I awoke to see this beautiful spacious place, mountains in front of me that were illuminated by the sunshine. Roads were fogless and glistening with the rays of the sun that fell on them. Its amazing what I think is there in that dark and unknown place, yet its more than what I can imagine, its quite beautiful the unknown...I think this is a promise to me.

Goodbye L.A.

So, its goodbye time. About to head out of here, give or take the 4 hours I thought I would be leaving in. But, time is time and I guess I'm leaving now for some reason.

It is finally hitting me today that I am leaving Los Angeles today. Weird how moving is, I was talking with a friend today who was saying how it kind of hits you in waves. I'm feeling a wave right now. A wave of the fact my life belongings are in my car currently. I'm moving to a new state because I know that I am being led there. Ahh, it seems easier this time though than ever before..this is a good thing.

Well, shall get on the road..1st stop: Oakland, California.